Pretenses, Trinkets and Smoke
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Cracked
Falling back into the old pattern: demolish, move on (,do the same stupid things, demolish, move on...)
If I move on could I stop being me?
All the money in the world can buy you love for yourself.
7:52 p.m. - 2012-10-31
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Love is a Legend
How much we dream about love! Love, like it's a wonder cure-all that will save us. Love, like it's stronger than any minerals, like it's the goal and the way.
It's not. Love turns sour, love weakens, love dies. It's not the end, it has an end. But no one will believe you because it's too precious an illusion to give up on.
10:25 p.m. - 2012-10-23
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Impotent fury
Remember that impotent fury you felt as a child, where you felt so helpless and all you could think to do are to wail and to throw stuff down onto the floor?
8:12 p.m. - 2011-07-04
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ay ay ay
love is not a state, it's an act. you have to work love, it takes some effort. it just that, all of the things you could have done, this one could bear the sweetest fruit. or even not, which is why relationships go bad.
because he's not worth it anymore.
on the other hand, there's nothing stopping you from having crushes on someone else. maybe when you are fresh in love and the hormones overdrive doesn't allow other thoughts. but that doesn't last forever. and then you see other pretty boys, ay ay ay.
but crushes don't last longer than a vampire in the sun. nice tickles, but ultimately as significant as coveting a pair of shoes or a watch. in time it fades.
2:07 a.m. - 2010-05-21
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I am smiling because I still hear the faint echo of the songs I just heard: Lady Gaga's Papparazzi and Britney Spears' Circus. I love them. They are out of date and millions of people felt this way months ago but that's precisely why I enjoy feeling this now. It's not only because I won't have to worry now that the radios would play the songs to death. Doesn't matter if I do this consciously or not, but I always have the compulsion not to do whatever everyone else is doing.
It was my Mama who seeded this trait in me, if not the one who merely nurtured and encouraged it. I remembered one of the stories of her youth I used to listen with eagerness as a child because they seemed like a promise of what my own future would look like. She told me that as she was sitting in a class in high school, a loud crash from the street startled her classroom. Before the teacher could say anything everyone had run out in order to gawk, only she had not. Even back then I could her the approval and satisfaction she felt for herself as she recalled the story. I think she thought that a crowd is a mindless entity and that there are plus points for behaving not as expected. I felt this very vividly and I was such a sucker for her approval and satisfaction back then.
And now, even though I have distanced myself from my mother in many ways, this being different thing has stayed with me, mainly because I can do little to control it. If everyone is fighting for a desired toy, I'll be the kid who hangs back until the toy lies abandoned in the corner and I'll pick it up when no one is there to see me. I never like the word blog because I feel it's just an ugly new word for an old thing. A word that got lucky because the papers loved to write about the new phenomenon "blogging" and to cleverly offer the explanation of the origin to the inexperienced users back then at the turn of the millennium. I never made any video journal and I just dropped the whole website designing thing after every other kid discovered MySpace and suddenly everyone had a website. I still have to justify to myself every now and then that I have to have a facebook account because by God, I am so tempted to get rid of it.
3:14 p.m. - 2010-04-27
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Blackmail
I think I am happy in my job but would be happier without... if money doesn't matter. But money matters. It's just, having to work, I don't have the patience for bullshit anymore.
Buy a lottery. Blackmail the God of your choice and faith to give you millions because afterwards you'd be so patient. You'll be smiling benevolently like a fucking Buddha statue when small people play their games with you because you know all of their fucking lives they'll have to toil just to survive. God give me money and I'll be patient. I'll show warmth to the needy ones, I'll lend a helping hand. God God you want me to be good, don't you?
12:34 p.m. - 2010-02-07
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Me on ignore
When I was younger things used to be so clear. Right or wrong, good or bad, fair or unfair, justified or outrageous, victory or defeat. Now they're all mixed up into something-whatever. When we fight there is no winner, just a burnt up battle ground.
But at least he can't claim, I had never said anything before I walked away.
9:17 p.m. - 2009-10-05
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the whatever entry
Interesting: I can sit still and let all offending words pass me by. If I don't think about them I don't have to be mad. Being mad is so taxing.
I don't have to right the world. Maybe Jesus was right after all. What's better than offering an aggravated person the other cheek, especially if you don't seem to be that interested in him despite his chain and teeth rattling?
10:44 p.m. - 2009-09-25
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On Reading
Today I held myself back from the living people out there, instead I conversed with a book. The people from the book told me stories and answered my questions almost with a precognition it seemed, but in the end they wouldn't remember me.
There would be no duty to upkeep the relationship. Everything sits still, until I open the book again.
1:18 p.m. - 2009-05-18
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